Intro

Readers – As you read please keep in mind these “diary entries” are supposed to expose the thinking patterns of a person with NPD. The author is not writing about himself but is using experience and actual conversations with Narcissist’s to demonstrate the difficulties of dealing with a NPD person. These maladaptive patterns of reason and behavior should seem familiar to those who have experienced them. Thank you for reading.

People Owe Me

Dear diary – One of the girders that supports the structure of who I am is the feeling that people owe me. Why do they owe me? Because I’m me. That’s enough and I am stunned when they don’t get it. What do they owe me? Respect, deference, admiration, compliments, praise, gifts, recognition and unquestioning acceptance of who I tell them I am. Questioning me is an insult because I am more accomplished than all of them and they are ignorant of brilliance in their midst. I try to help people out by letting them know how wonderful I am. They mistake my sincere help as arrogance. It is indeed lonely at the top.

Sweet martyrdom

Dear diary – I love being a martyr. Since I am not genuinely interested in others, for their sake, it is a huge sacrifice (in my mind) when I do shown signs of  interest. I enjoy doing a little favor here or there and waiting for the person on the receiving end to be less than enormously grateful. I might tease them publicly about not noticing all I have done for them but what I really love is a grandstanding moment where I can say “even though you really don’t appreciate my sacrifice I will do it for you none the less because that is the kind of person I am!”. I love to feel wronged because I can use it to my advantage to squeeze attention out of the offender…..and that’s all I really wanted anyway.

Occupational Hazard

Dear diary – I am absolutely drawn to any kind of work that provides an audience. I am so addicted to the attention of an audience that one time I was a pastor and I wasn’t even a believer. I completely prostituted myself to the occupation, learned the lingo, faked the sentiments and basked in the  compliments of my superior speaking abilities. The problem was that there were always a group of people that intuitively knew I was 1/4 inch deep and was faking it. Anyway, it was a good gig while it lasted. Who cares that I left anyone hurt or disillusioned by my act. An addict has got to do what an addict has got to do.

Empty of empathy

Dear diary – I am smart enough to look around and see how I am supposed to feel towards other people but I never really feel it myself. Feelings are  just an annoying sign of weakness and I can’t stand it when people “share” their feelings with each other. In reality I am so numb on the inside that I can’t remember any other feelings besides shame and rage. I feel smothered when people try to share feelings with me. If they understood that I am superior to them they wouldn’t waste their time….and mine. This is my seventh circle of Dante’s inferno; that I hate people but I am addicted to their attention.

Counseling

Dear diary – I have “done” counseling before. It’s a joke. I will only go when I have absolutely crashed over a crisis of reality about how awful I am. Once I’m in the therapy session I quickly work to become the therapist’s therapist. I can do that because I really am an expert on any topic out there, including counseling. As soon as I right myself and get new sources of self worship I’m good and I drop counseling. I am such a labyrinth of deceit and self protection that counseling will never get to the core of who I am anyway because there is no core to get to. “Success” in counseling means admitting failure and I absolutely can never admit failure. If I am not perfect then I am nothing.

Children

Dear diary – My children are an extension of me. I’m not so concerned about their future and their independence as much as I am concerned about making sure they make me look good. I love to make claims about the family name and my strong DNA and I get irate when they do any of the normal kid stuff that makes me look like I’m doing a poor job of parenting. Their main responsibility is to attest to my perfection as a father. I will scar my children with a litany of “daddy issues” but that’s ok. It keeps them thinking about me and that’s what matters.

Mirror, Mirror

Dear diary – I hate it that I am so addicted to my need for people’s attention. I have to organize my life to accomodate my constant search for it. It someone could take a key and open a door inside of me they would see that the house is completely abandoned. No people, no furniture, no pictures, no belongings, no belongingness. Since there is no one on the inside of me I have to have people on the outside of me holding up mirrors so I can see who I am, or at least who I am supposed to be. Others have to constantly affirm and compliment me or I don’t exist because I can’t tell myself the truth about who I am. If I am left alone in my emptiness the choir of my past will start telling me the truth about me and I simply cannot have that.

Compliments

Dear diary – I use compliments like fishing bait. When I am first getting to know people I will be sweet and complimentary because I am setting people up to compliment and adore me. My only real interest in them is for the purpose of setting up a reliable, dependable source of praise for me. If I see they are not going to be a reliable, dependable source of praise for me then I abandon them faster than one can blink. No need to waste my precious, important time on them. People that accept other people at face value are the best and easiest targets. They are honest, upright people and they assume everyone else is too. That assumption is perfect for my purposes. They will take the bait. What I hate are those people with good boundaries and self awareness. They meet me and even though they may not know what I’m up to I leave them with a vague “icky” feeling.

First Impressions

Dear diary – I always make a good first impression. It’s a great skill I have developed through trial and error. I have one rule that makes it work every time. The rule is “when I am with you, I become you”. When I meet people I scan them for their interests and their opinions and those become my interests and my opinions…..for the moment. If I see that I get a favorable response from them I will continue to work them to see how much I can get them to like me. It is a form of prostitution but hey, it helps with my addiction to attention. Besides that, being consistent is not my goal, getting worshipped is.