The Narcissist's Diary

Never too old for childish games

voxanima — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:58:36 +0000

One great benefit of being the emotionally empty person that I am is that I can pick up and resume a grudge at any point and continue it as if I never left it. I may not have spoken to you in years but if an opportunity to cause you any kind of grief or discomfort arises, I jump on it. I do that because my own jealousy never rests and my own grim insecurities never give me a respite. If they constantly hound and blame me, why shouldn’t I do the same to anyone else whenever I can? Especially if that someone else has figured out that I am a fraud. Since I’m still emotionally arrested I will never be too old for childish games.

Stolen Valor

voxanima — Sat, 28 May 2011 18:36:42 +0000

There is a crushing irony that controls my life. The less capable I am of a virtue, the more loudly I claim to possess that virtue. The more I lie, which is constantly, the more loudly I will claim the virtues of honesty and integrity. The more I cheat, the more I claim that I play fairly. The more I claim to know influential people, the more obscure I feel inside. As a matter of fact, my claiming a virtue is really a confession and barometer that I don’t possess it all. I know that I am mostly devoid of real virtues but I admire them so much. Because I have no true inner self I can just decide to have a virtue if I want it, sort of like picking up a bag of chips off the grocery store shelf. It always escapes me that real virtues happen as a function of a healthy person. I love mottoes like the Marine Corps “Semper Fi”. When I shamelessly invoke all the virtues of a respected group like that, it’s really my own way of clicking my heels together and repeating “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home”.

The upside of lying.

voxanima — Fri, 27 May 2011 13:01:25 +0000

Why do people get so bent out of shape about my lying? They cling so tenaciously to so-called “truth” like it really matters for some reason. They need to be more like me and realize “reality” is too messy and difficult and that I have a right to go back into my history and revise anything I don’t like. I know that for the “nons” out there that a personal history is an important part of knowing who you are and how you define yourself in the world but I’m not burdened by that need. I have a greater need. I have a need to survive in this hellhole of my own demolished self image. I have to lie in order to be able to breath and exist in this life sentence called “my existence”. Lying is my anesthesia and helps me survive being me. Who cares that my lying is disorienting to people that have a history with me. If I’m maddening and frustrating to you because I don’t live in the same reality as everyone else, well, that’s your problem, not mine.

The Great Philosopher

voxanima — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:51:45 +0000

I love philosophy. Not because I understand it but because other people are impressed by it. Therefore I have to feign interest because I have to glom on to anything that will impress people. The trouble is that philosophy is too abstract, it’s about things I can’t use or manipulate and therefore it has little practical use for me. But it sounds cool and people think you’re smart when you quote someone. The problem is that I don’t really understand words with emotional meanings because I am so emotionally barren and when those philosophers try to describe relationships among people and the human condition, I’m lost. The good news though is that I’m able to fake understanding and I’m able to mimic appropriate responses. So, I will mimic intelligence, I will put on my glasses, read a book, go to Starbucks and order a coffee under the name “Master of the universe”. I love it when the barista has to say that.

DemoRepubliTerian Politics

voxanima — Wed, 25 May 2011 17:36:03 +0000

I always profess to know a great deal about politics, mostly because I know more than most people on any given topic. The problem with discussing politics with people is that they get emotional about defending their beliefs. That creates land mines that I have to navigate around. While they passionately espouse their opinions I have to tread lightly and weigh the force and direction of their politics otherwise I might offend them and lose what I really want…..attention. I have perfected the art of being a chameleon when discussing politics. In the end I don’t care either way about politics. That’s too abstract when I have a very real and concrete need to feed my attention addiction. I will tell people whatever they want to hear in order to get their approval and hopefully, some table scraps of admiration for me to glean. That’s why I am proud to be a DemoRepubliTerian!

The Arrogance of Unbelief

voxanima — Tue, 24 May 2011 12:07:24 +0000

I am an emotional vampire always seeking new sources of supply (attention). As a result I have a great intuitive sense of who is biting on my attention seeking bait and who is not. On occasion I come across that arrogant unbeliever that doesn’t defer to social niceties when he sees my deception. Most people are polite and keep their distrust of me to themselves but sometimes there is that individual that holds up a mirror to me and exposes me to…….me. My visceral reaction is to hate them for the arrogance of their unbelief. They are arrogant because they are outright denying and even challenging my sense of entitlement to be believed no matter what kind of emotional manure I spread. Because I am “Me”, I deserve and have a right to be believed no matter who I tell you that I am. People are basically furniture to be used and what right does a piece of furniture have to contest me?!

Every story is about me.

voxanima — Mon, 23 May 2011 20:54:11 +0000

I love stories. I tell them all of the time because I don’t have a true inner self to communicate to anyone. I can’t divulge myself so I lace conversation with story after story after story. And I believe my audience is hanging on every word. The reality is that they are too polite to tell me I’m full of BS or just walk away from a self absorbed yarn. All of my stories are true…they just happen to be about other people’s lives. I will take their story and retell it with me at the center of it. That way I can always weave in a theme of me overcoming all odds, getting the girl, winning respect, accomplishing something never done before, be honorable and heroic. The problem is that I have to keep finding new victims for my stories. For some reason people quickly doubt that my life could be as heroic and interesting and as full of accomplishment as I make it out to be. Oh well, I lie pathologically to convince and impress me, not them.

Obsessive Jealousy

voxanima — Sun, 22 May 2011 18:55:25 +0000

I have to be number one, at least in my own eyes. Anyone that is better at something than me is a threat to my fake persona and I have to react with rage. You non narcissists shrug it off when someone bests you at something. You’re pathetically weak. Can’t you see that if you’re not the best then you are nothing? You no longer exist? However, I do have a great advantage over you “nons”. I can be obsessively jealous and hate myself and bath in my negativity and self loathing and then, out of nowhere, I’m able to rewrite the script in my head, make myself the best again and all is right with the world. Who needs all of that self acceptance crap and coming to peace with who you are when I can have the thrill of constantly painting myself as heroic, intellectual and perfect despite all of the evidence to the contrary. All of you “nons” trapped by reality should be “jealous” of my ability to remake the world on my terms and inhabit a false reality. It’s awesome! Who cares that it completely prevents me from being human.

Intro

voxanima — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:10:10 +0000

Readers – As you read please keep in mind these “diary entries” are designed to expose the thinking patterns of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The author is not writing about himself but is drawing from experiences and interactions with Narcissist’s to demonstrate the difficulties of dealing with a NPD person. These maladaptive patterns of reasoning and behavior should seem familiar to those who have experienced them. Thank you for reading.

People Owe Me

voxanima — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:14:16 +0000

Dear diary – One of the girders that supports the structure of who I am is the feeling that people owe me. Why do they owe me? Because I’m me. That’s enough and I am stunned when they don’t get it. What do they owe me? Respect, deference, admiration, compliments, praise, gifts, recognition and unquestioning acceptance of who I tell them I am. Questioning me is an insult because I am more accomplished than all of them and they are ignorant of brilliance in their midst. I try to help people out by letting them know how wonderful I am. They mistake my sincere help as arrogance. It is indeed lonely at the top.